What Are the Four Horsemen of Divorce?
The term “Four Horsemen of Divorce” refers to four destructive communication patterns that can predict relationship breakdowns and, ultimately, divorce. Coined by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, these behaviours are often subtle at first but can escalate over time, causing lasting damage. In this blog, we’ll explore what the Four Horsemen are, how they impact relationships, and how to recognise them before they destroy your bond.
The Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling – are toxic communication habits that can erode a relationship’s foundation. When these patterns take hold, they can increase emotional distance between partners and make conflict resolution nearly impossible. Recognising these behaviours early on is crucial for preventing further damage.
Criticism
Criticism goes beyond a complaint or specific issue. It attacks a partner’s character, rather than addressing a specific behaviour. For example, instead of saying, “I feel upset when you forget to call,” criticism might sound like, “You never care about me, you’re so selfish.” This kind of generalisation can create defensiveness and resentment. To address criticism, focus on expressing your feelings about a specific behaviour rather than labelling your partner’s character.
Contempt
Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, disdain, or disgust. Contempt can manifest as sarcasm, name-calling, mocking, or eye-rolling. This behaviour erodes trust and creates a power imbalance. Combat contempt by fostering an atmosphere of respect, appreciation, and empathy. Practising gratitude and expressing admiration for your partner can go a long way in counteracting contempt.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness occurs when a partner feels attacked and responds with blame-shifting, excuses, or denial rather than owning up to their part in the conflict. This response escalates tension and prevents resolution. To counter defensiveness, focus on taking responsibility for your actions, even if only partially. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and show a willingness to engage in constructive dialogue.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down emotionally or physically. This may involve refusing to engage or giving one-word answers. Stonewalling can leave the other partner feeling abandoned or rejected. To overcome stonewalling, take a break when emotions run high, but agree to come back and discuss the issue when both partners are calm.
Takeaway
The Four Horsemen of Divorce can silently sabotage relationships if not addressed. Recognising these destructive patterns is the first step in turning things around. By focusing on healthy communication, respect, and emotional engagement, couples can protect their relationship and build a stronger, more resilient connection.
