How to Combat the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship
The Four Horsemen of Divorce—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—can wreak havoc on relationships. Research done by Dr. John Gottman has shown that understanding these destructive patterns is the first step, but actively working to replace them with healthier communication habits is key. In this blog, we’ll explore practical strategies for combating the Four Horsemen and creating a more positive, supportive relationship environment.
Recognising the Four Horsemen
The first step in combating the Four Horsemen is recognising when they appear in your relationship. Do you often find yourself criticising your partner, or are you more likely to stonewall during disagreements? Do you sometimes feel contempt for your partner, or respond defensively when they express their feelings? Awareness is the foundation of change, so take time to reflect on your interactions and identify any patterns of behaviour that might align with the Four Horsemen.
Replace Criticism with Complaints
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, while complaints focus on specific behaviours. Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do all the chores on my own.” This shift can help avoid blame and encourage open, constructive dialogue. Make sure to express your feelings using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, which can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive.
Counter Contempt with Respect and Appreciation
Contempt can be difficult to overcome, but it’s essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. Replacing contempt with respect and appreciation is key. Start by noticing the positive aspects of your partner and expressing gratitude regularly. Small gestures of kindness, such as saying thank you or offering compliments, can create a more positive environment. If sarcasm or mocking has become a habit, focus on reframing your thoughts to recognise your partner’s worth and approach conversations with empathy.
Defend Against Defensiveness
Defensiveness often arises when we feel attacked, but it can prevent resolution. Instead of becoming defensive, try to listen actively to your partner’s perspective. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge their feelings and show that you’re open to hearing their concerns. By taking responsibility for your part in the situation, even if it’s just a small part, you help de-escalate tension and create space for productive dialogue.
Stop Stonewalling with Emotional Engagement
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws, but this only intensifies the problem. If you feel overwhelmed during a discussion, it’s important to take a break, but be sure to return to the conversation later when both partners are calm. Engage emotionally by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and using affirming statements like “I hear you” or “I understand how you feel.” This helps to keep the conversation open and connected.
Takeaway
The Four Horsemen of Divorce can destroy relationships if left unchecked, but they don’t have to be the end of your connection. By recognising these destructive behaviours and working to replace them with healthier communication strategies, you can build a stronger, more positive relationship. Remember, change takes time, but with patience, empathy, and effort, you can transform your interactions and protect your bond.
